Past

We all find it far too easy to dwell on our past. This can breath venom into current relationships and prevent growth. But lets face it, getting past anger can be very difficult. I am not sure what has happened lately, but I have found a happiness I have not known for many years. Perhaps it is acceptance that I cannot change my past? Perhaps it is finding what I wanted in relationships with people that I care for? I am not sure which is the right answer but it doesn't matter because I am happy! The poem that I am posting reflects where I found my joy several years ago and find it again now. With that being said, I have found many old poems that I am going back to and reworking. My friend David hasn't even seen these poems. So, look for more soon!


Joy II
My joy is a cool afternoon with rosy cheeked giggles.
Innocent laughter reminds me that "all is right with the world"
My joy is strength found in conversation wise beyond one's years.
Intuitiveness that is often unexpected and welcome.
My joy is a little girl's silliness spinning in the setting sun,
Her spirit matched in brilliance only by the sun's beauty.
My joy is eyes as blue as the ocean is deep
Matched only by the care and love they exude.
The children's innocence and courage embrace me
Their unrelenting love sustains me.
My joy is unending love from my sisters in soul.
I have not two legs to stand on but many more.
My joy is sisters who feed my soul when it hungers.
Sisters who wipe my tears of joy and agony. My faithful sister who guides me when I am lost. Our bond so unimaginably deep.
My deviant sister....fellow hell raiser!
Your humor so fitting...your facade matched only by mine.
My strongest sister, you are truly amazing!
The strength of ten women with courage matched by no other.
My joy is the beauty, love and kindness life has to offer.
My joy is the trials and tribulations and lessons they teach.
My joy is truly living life as if every day may be the last. [written 11/04]

By the way Winnie-This is the me you know <3 Rose

Back!

I am back after a brief break from writing. Well maybe a long break. We have been in the middle of a long renovation project at our apartment complex. I know a few of you have missed my blogs. I am going to begin posting poetry that I have written in the past while I work on new poetry. This particular poem was written for a special friend whom will always be "The One That Got Away."

Reprieve

Ahhh! Sweet reprieve! You are my solace tucked deep inside.
I journey to you a hundred times a day.
Your arms wrapping me in the safety of a sunrise.
Your touch the sustenance for a faded rose. Brining out my wishes, my desires, and completion.
I see you in my dreams and find you in my heart.
Never imagining I would find you there.
Though my heart is with you, I find my hand elsewhere.
Wishing for something that now I know I can't have.
My desire unwavers as your are tucked away in my heart.
Always hoping that one day my journey to you is real.

Sabotage

It's amazing how our feelings, wants, needs and selfishness have a tendency to sabotage all aspects of our lives. I find it difficult juggling my needs with my family's needs at times. When I do try to fulfill those needs they backfire and cause a great deal of chaos in my life. Is there really a way to compromise? To give my family what they need while fulfilling my own needs? Often times, my feelings tend to overpower my own common sense. This usually leads to my inability to remain rational. I am wondering if other people out there struggle with the same internal conflict as I do. Perhaps it is possible to care so much that it hurts? Or is it just hard to accept the we are worth what we want and need?

4th Fun

Our family has been celebrating the 4th of July all week. I took some rare and well deserved time off from work with my kids this week. I witnessed a right of passage for my son. He found many boys to play "War" with. As these boys waited for the fireworks, they ran back and forth through the grass shooting at each other. I don't condone violence but it was fascinating to watch him interact with boys. I typically see him with his sisters who don't tend to be as "energetic" as other boys. Last night we trecked about 45 minutes to Little York Lake for the fireworks display. This was the first chance I had to go with my kids. They have attended with their grandparents the past several years. It was an amazing experience. My middle daughter is very musical and absolutely enjoyed the live jazz band playing. We danced together on the damp, grassy lawn. The residents around the lake set off their own fireworks while we waited for the big show. All three of my kids and I laid together on the lawn watching the fireworks as they reflected off of the lake. When it was time for the big show it was amazing. We sat in admiration of the fireworks. They were so close that each boom rattled your rib cage and they looked as they may rain down on us. I hope that everyone reading has a special 4th of July experience like ours.

Left

I think the one experience I keep having over and over is being left behind. Maybe that is the reason that I want to succeed so badly. So that no one will have the chance to leave me behind. I guess it all started when my brother left home when we were 16. Every since then it seems as though I am left walking behind people I love. I watch people I love walk away and leave behind and to be honest...it hurts. After my brother left, I watched my bestfriend leave me behind. I still wonder if things would have been different between us if we had met at a different time. I would have dropped almost everything in my life to change that relationship. Then my exhusband left me behind for what he wanted. I guess I'm just feeling bad for myself right now. I guess it could be equated with running up the beach following somone else's footprints. Even though you get close to the foot prints, you fall behind when you almost catch them.

Cayuga Lake

I remember as a girl, spending many summer days at Cayuga Lake. The numerous parks were my playground for many, many summers. Now, they have become my kids' playground. I remember being a kid and submerging my body into the cold water. I did not relent until my lips turned blue and made me get out. I remember digging for shells along the beach and bringing them home in whatever I could find. Often, it was a shoe that I carried them in for lack of anything else. Then of course, the black top would burn my feet as I scooted quickly to the car. I didn't care that the parking lot was hot, the water was too cold, or that the sea weed stuck to my legs. Now, I think I may be old. Today we went to the pool and it was too cold. I had to jump in off the deep end to get in. My kids didn't care. They spent three hours splashing happily in the water. However, I wimped out. Yesterday, we spent the day at Stewart Park with my 13 neices and nephews. There is an old carousel that has been there long before my child hood days. My three year old neice reminded me of what being a kid is all about. She shrieked with joy as the carousel spun. The old speaker blaring it's inaudible song. It made me wish again for the simplicity of being a little girl.

Long and Winding

Many times when we are kids we are naive and believe that we choose our paths. One day you wake up and realize your path chose you. I didn't plan on being a single mom with three kids who worked in a restaurant. I was going to be the teacher or school administrator who made more money than my husband. The white picket fence delusion plagued my plans. When I was 16 and 17, I knew everything. I knew that "love" was all that mattered. I knew that despite what my mother said, men didn't suck. (Mind you, they still don't suck). I knew where I was going and what I was doing and no one could tell me different.
Friday, as I was going to my first manager shift on my own, I was excited. I felt as though I had worked hard and was finally succeeding. I also realized that I love what I do and that my path has chosen me. There is a reason that I lead people through restaurant shifts and maybe out of it, someone else will be inspired to lead. There is a reason that I help customers everyday. Maybe throught that one interaction, I will help make their day better.
My road has become long and winding. Yet, I can not help but feel as though there is a reason that this road has been put before me.