It's amazing how our feelings, wants, needs and selfishness have a tendency to sabotage all aspects of our lives. I find it difficult juggling my needs with my family's needs at times. When I do try to fulfill those needs they backfire and cause a great deal of chaos in my life. Is there really a way to compromise? To give my family what they need while fulfilling my own needs? Often times, my feelings tend to overpower my own common sense. This usually leads to my inability to remain rational. I am wondering if other people out there struggle with the same internal conflict as I do. Perhaps it is possible to care so much that it hurts? Or is it just hard to accept the we are worth what we want and need?
Our family has been celebrating the 4th of July all week. I took some rare and well deserved time off from work with my kids this week. I witnessed a right of passage for my son. He found many boys to play "War" with. As these boys waited for the fireworks, they ran back and forth through the grass shooting at each other. I don't condone violence but it was fascinating to watch him interact with boys. I typically see him with his sisters who don't tend to be as "energetic" as other boys. Last night we trecked about 45 minutes to Little York Lake for the fireworks display. This was the first chance I had to go with my kids. They have attended with their grandparents the past several years. It was an amazing experience. My middle daughter is very musical and absolutely enjoyed the live jazz band playing. We danced together on the damp, grassy lawn. The residents around the lake set off their own fireworks while we waited for the big show. All three of my kids and I laid together on the lawn watching the fireworks as they reflected off of the lake. When it was time for the big show it was amazing. We sat in admiration of the fireworks. They were so close that each boom rattled your rib cage and they looked as they may rain down on us. I hope that everyone reading has a special 4th of July experience like ours.
I think the one experience I keep having over and over is being left behind. Maybe that is the reason that I want to succeed so badly. So that no one will have the chance to leave me behind. I guess it all started when my brother left home when we were 16. Every since then it seems as though I am left walking behind people I love. I watch people I love walk away and leave behind and to be honest...it hurts. After my brother left, I watched my bestfriend leave me behind. I still wonder if things would have been different between us if we had met at a different time. I would have dropped almost everything in my life to change that relationship. Then my exhusband left me behind for what he wanted. I guess I'm just feeling bad for myself right now. I guess it could be equated with running up the beach following somone else's footprints. Even though you get close to the foot prints, you fall behind when you almost catch them.