Sabotage

It's amazing how our feelings, wants, needs and selfishness have a tendency to sabotage all aspects of our lives. I find it difficult juggling my needs with my family's needs at times. When I do try to fulfill those needs they backfire and cause a great deal of chaos in my life. Is there really a way to compromise? To give my family what they need while fulfilling my own needs? Often times, my feelings tend to overpower my own common sense. This usually leads to my inability to remain rational. I am wondering if other people out there struggle with the same internal conflict as I do. Perhaps it is possible to care so much that it hurts? Or is it just hard to accept the we are worth what we want and need?

4th Fun

Our family has been celebrating the 4th of July all week. I took some rare and well deserved time off from work with my kids this week. I witnessed a right of passage for my son. He found many boys to play "War" with. As these boys waited for the fireworks, they ran back and forth through the grass shooting at each other. I don't condone violence but it was fascinating to watch him interact with boys. I typically see him with his sisters who don't tend to be as "energetic" as other boys. Last night we trecked about 45 minutes to Little York Lake for the fireworks display. This was the first chance I had to go with my kids. They have attended with their grandparents the past several years. It was an amazing experience. My middle daughter is very musical and absolutely enjoyed the live jazz band playing. We danced together on the damp, grassy lawn. The residents around the lake set off their own fireworks while we waited for the big show. All three of my kids and I laid together on the lawn watching the fireworks as they reflected off of the lake. When it was time for the big show it was amazing. We sat in admiration of the fireworks. They were so close that each boom rattled your rib cage and they looked as they may rain down on us. I hope that everyone reading has a special 4th of July experience like ours.

Left

I think the one experience I keep having over and over is being left behind. Maybe that is the reason that I want to succeed so badly. So that no one will have the chance to leave me behind. I guess it all started when my brother left home when we were 16. Every since then it seems as though I am left walking behind people I love. I watch people I love walk away and leave behind and to be honest...it hurts. After my brother left, I watched my bestfriend leave me behind. I still wonder if things would have been different between us if we had met at a different time. I would have dropped almost everything in my life to change that relationship. Then my exhusband left me behind for what he wanted. I guess I'm just feeling bad for myself right now. I guess it could be equated with running up the beach following somone else's footprints. Even though you get close to the foot prints, you fall behind when you almost catch them.

Cayuga Lake

I remember as a girl, spending many summer days at Cayuga Lake. The numerous parks were my playground for many, many summers. Now, they have become my kids' playground. I remember being a kid and submerging my body into the cold water. I did not relent until my lips turned blue and made me get out. I remember digging for shells along the beach and bringing them home in whatever I could find. Often, it was a shoe that I carried them in for lack of anything else. Then of course, the black top would burn my feet as I scooted quickly to the car. I didn't care that the parking lot was hot, the water was too cold, or that the sea weed stuck to my legs. Now, I think I may be old. Today we went to the pool and it was too cold. I had to jump in off the deep end to get in. My kids didn't care. They spent three hours splashing happily in the water. However, I wimped out. Yesterday, we spent the day at Stewart Park with my 13 neices and nephews. There is an old carousel that has been there long before my child hood days. My three year old neice reminded me of what being a kid is all about. She shrieked with joy as the carousel spun. The old speaker blaring it's inaudible song. It made me wish again for the simplicity of being a little girl.

Long and Winding

Many times when we are kids we are naive and believe that we choose our paths. One day you wake up and realize your path chose you. I didn't plan on being a single mom with three kids who worked in a restaurant. I was going to be the teacher or school administrator who made more money than my husband. The white picket fence delusion plagued my plans. When I was 16 and 17, I knew everything. I knew that "love" was all that mattered. I knew that despite what my mother said, men didn't suck. (Mind you, they still don't suck). I knew where I was going and what I was doing and no one could tell me different.
Friday, as I was going to my first manager shift on my own, I was excited. I felt as though I had worked hard and was finally succeeding. I also realized that I love what I do and that my path has chosen me. There is a reason that I lead people through restaurant shifts and maybe out of it, someone else will be inspired to lead. There is a reason that I help customers everyday. Maybe throught that one interaction, I will help make their day better.
My road has become long and winding. Yet, I can not help but feel as though there is a reason that this road has been put before me.

Moving on UP!

Tomorrow will result in the culmination of much hard work. The company I have been working for the past three years has presented me with many opportunities. I have been working towards becoming a manager in a local restaurant. In spite of what is going on around me, I try to maintain my focus to move forward. Tomorrow is my first opportunity to run my restaurant on my own. To a degree, I am a little freaked out. However, I am excited more than anything. I am always looking for the chance to "prove" myself. And well, that opportunity has presented itself.
It's no secret that I left a relationship of 15 years about 3 years ago. One of the reasons that I left was because it became a verbally abusive situation. I heard many, many times that I would be nothing without my exhusband. I also heard that no one would want me if I had 3 kids and I heard on a regular basis what a disappointment I was. Well, 3 years later I am in a promising career, one semester away from a business degree, and involved in a mature and loving relationship. So, there is no disappointment anymore. Now there is pride and humility. I am proud of the person I have become. But I will never forget my path because if I do, then I will have learned nothing. And without learning, I would have experienced the whole thing for nothing. I think now, I would like to find indifference when it comes to feelings involving my ex-husband.

Moving Up

This week has resulted in a great deal of chaos. Both of my daughters had moving up ceremonies. My middle is moving up from elementary school to middle school. The pride I felt was unbelievable. It is amazing to watch my kids grow. Some days Iam ready for them to grow up and be on their own. That's because the single mom thing gets a little tough. Then there are days that seem as though time is a blur and I can't believe how quick they are growing. My oldest daughter is moving from middle school to high school. It occurred to me that in four short years she will be graduating in high school.

We are in the middle of a big transition in our housing complex. It is a three million dollar projectthat has thrown many people into an unsettleing limbo. The tennanntare hearing the proverbial promisis that something will be "fixed" tomorrow. Ugh! We are wading through everything we own because it's all in the middle of its respective room. It would be neatly stored in closests but we' re waiting for tomorrow so the can be fixed. The only thing that REALLY needs to be fixed? The guy who is coordinating this whole damn project.